We’re not perfect. We are so far from perfect that we don’t even share the same zip code as perfect (postal code? I never know which is which). I would love nothing more than to post about the reasons why we are the happiest couple since the Beckhams or the Wades, but that makes us unfeasible. We mess up so much more than we are willing to admit.
This is the beginning of the Unscripted series. Unlike our blog-venturous posts, these will not be posted strictly on Fridays. These can happen at any given time and they are more for us than for you. Is that selfish? Maybe…who knows? But my reasoning behind it is sound. My boy and I love each other so much more than either of us will ever be able to verbalize, but with afire love come blazing anger. When we fight, it’s dangerous for people to be around us because we will take no responsibilities for casualties.
I would love to talk about what our fights are like, but that would devastate the integrity of this blog. We will maintain the format we’ve had. I’ll say what I have to say about me, and he’ll say what he has to say about him, but we will never use our Unscripted series as a lashing out point. We won’t resort to this for every fight. This is strictly for fights that were too big for us to handle in the moment. This is for disagreements prolonged merely because we’re both as obstinate as it gets. This is where we take a step back and organize our thoughts. Now that I’ve introduced the series, I can now talk about why I’m here.
He doesn’t know I’m doing this. He’s probably still asleep because I broke his heart last night. This isn’t a place for me to be self-deprecating, it’s a place for me to accept responsibility because if I am left to my own devices, I’ll lose the love of my life. Last night, without meaning to, I planted doubt in him. That doesn’t excuse the fact that I did it. I have a strange sense of humour and I have a terrible habit of expecting him to read my mind and understand my train of thought. He tries so hard though, even when I hurt his feelings last night, he tried so hard to get over it without bringing it up. I know him though, and I know when something is bothering him. I know what I should’ve done. I should’ve asked him as soon as I saw his mood change…but I didn’t. I went down the wrong path, I shut him out. He tried to get me to open up. He always tries to get me to communicate better with him, but my stubbornness astounds me sometimes. I just sat there and let him doubt himself and ask how he had failed me. The voice in my head kept pushing me to stop what I was doing, but my mouth and brain refused to sync up.
It got bad. It got worse than it’s ever gotten. I played dirty. For no reason but to be a complete jerk, I pointed out his biggest insecurity and to make matters infinitely worse, I laughed at his reaction to it. I heard myself call him theatrical and tell him to get over it. He stayed though, he begged me to apologize and I refused. I had never heard him so hurt before. I have never been that mean to him. I let the boy I love go to bed absolutely devastated. I haven’t talked to him all day. I have never been more ashamed of my behaviour. I am not going to justify anything I did last night because I had no reason to be that hurtful…but I was, and now I have to fix what I broke.
I put on my promise ring this morning without having to think about it. I still want to be his forever girl. So, I have to start making changes. The first of which is this, my unscripted apology.
I’m sorry, Eddy.
Perfectly imperfect is how I’d describe us. I woke up this morning, and shut my eyes again, spiralling back into a deep slumber. I woke up, shut my eyes again, and repeated this for a few hours until I decided that I couldn’t be in a self-imposed purgatory any longer. I stretched my arms above my head, and noticed my bracelet, hanging loosely from my wrist, as it always does, a symbol of continuity from my girl. Not once did I think of removing it following the events of last night. I stewed in my thoughts for a moment, trying to gather what I could from my memory, then came to a conclusion.
Yes, I am hurt. However, I can’t ignore the faults I committed, for that would be extremely selfish. Selfish is what I was for a portion of the argument, and even though I was feeling every bit of broken, it didn’t justify things that I said or did. I said and did things last night that I promised her I wouldn’t do anymore. Sure, it came from a place of pain, but we can’t dismiss wrong-doings just because feelings were hurt. I can’t help but feel like I could’ve prevented a world of trouble if I had just voiced my thoughts when I first felt myself seize up. It would be unfair for me to expect her to fix this by herself, which is why I am placing as much trust as I can in her hands right now. I will work with her.
I’m not here to talk about what she did. She deserves someone with enough respect to own up to their own portion of the mess, not highlight others. And that’s what I will give her. There is no reason why I should have ever said some of the things I said. I have an uncanny way of saying and doing things that are the extreme opposite of each other. I can be a hypocrite. I yell and make a fool out of myself, I say things in the heat of the moment that must be cringe-worthy. I am far from a finished product. It seems like nowadays, or at least in my neck of the woods (we both come from very different backgrounds), everyone is looking for that person who’s finished school, has a job, owns a car, and has their life together. I guess that’s one thing that I appreciate greatly about Olympia. I thought about it in depth last night. I am not even close to finishing school. I work one day a week. I don’t drive. My life feels like it is a dollar-store puzzle that is missing a few pieces. While others left for these reasons, she has stayed and loved me through it. She wants to see me work towards a final goal. She appreciates that I am an unfinished product, and loves every piece of me. She envisions a life where we have both taken the steps necessary to get to where we want to be, individually and together, and then helps map it out for me.
Yeah we aren’t perfect, on our own or together. Sometimes it may feel like the walls are crashing down around us. One thing that never falls short though, is her ability to prove time and time again that she loves me more than I thought possible. I know that she is sorry. I sure as hell know I’m sorry. The damage is done already, but I am more than certain that together we can pick up the pieces and make an even better masterpiece than before. If anyone can do it, we can.
On our first date, she wrote me a letter. In that letter, she concluded with a statement: You jump, I jump, Jack. Some of you may remember it from Titanic, others from our favourite show Gilmore Girls (although I haven’t reached that episode yet). I jumped, and it turned out to be the best decision of my young life so far. No big decision comes without challenges. I am ready to face them head on with you. From now until the end of time, wherever my life takes me, I know my heart will always be yours.
I accept your apology, and I can only hope you accept mine.
I’m sorry, Special Eddy.